louder and louder.

today i have DofE training and also got my hair cut and finally got rid of ridiculous comb over fringe after two years and got a full fringe instead i'm not sure of it yet

what do you think?

cover my tracks.

i just realised all the time i have been blogging i have never really introduced my self so here goes...

i'm henrietta 14 years old residing in a small town near london i hate it. My opinions probably won't match yours at all. I do far to much sport it seems to take up my life. When writing or reading no one can disturb me. I fail under pressure and probably should try more. Fashion doesn't really interest me call me emo call me goth i've given up caring. Many things I say should be ignored to avoids offence. Also the fact all my friends have found blogger and follow me is so so annoying as i can't always say what i want. 

So there you go the true me. 

See, I don't know anymore;

is it fair we are allowed to take things for granted?

how am i supposed to feel content when others are struggling with life?

i feel like i am one of the only who struggle to balance everything i have no spare time my weekend is going to consist of a school swimming gala duke of edinburgh and more swimming where has my social life actually disappeared to?

it ends tonight.

'when you die how would you like to?'

i got asked this today and it made me think at first obviously it would be in my sleep, yet why would i want to be so boring, isn't the point of our existences to go against everything we believe. That may just be how I live, in my own world don't expect me to be listening to a word your saying i find my day dreams far more interesting and they cause me no pain, i am afraid of what this harsh reality i avoid may hold and i seem to be holding myself back because of it. How it may shatter all that we live off the hopes that will never come true. People like me dwell on the past and how we could of changed it, afraid our next step may lead to total disaster the fact that you can't hide in your thoughts forever. 

lost in a silent ballet.

perhaps if the media didn't pressure how we thought teenagers would be different my year is pretty much appalling yet i can't explain why maybe we dont have enough self respect, all i know is i'm falling deeper and deeper into the trap they've laid why do i want to feel like everyone else when in fact we are all individuals.

drag me back.

One minute when i want to curl up and die the rain falls showering our little town. I have a sudden urge to run in it, re-enact a certain childhood dream taken from me by our self-obsessed culture. Then with a few hours, the clouds open and sunshine streams out, glimmering and radiating brightening up the mood of everyone, and maybe a even a rainbow forms, before it fades away.

and i haven't slept in two days.

i love you guys ♥ :)

My friends meal in nandos was pretty eventful from being tooted out by every driver whilst waiting for the bus to taking photos of random things and just going hyper.

take off your colours.

well it's my friend's birthday soon and she's going to nando's for a meal to celebrate

the only issue is i have no clue what to wear.

i have three possible outfits currently.

 1.

2.

3

comment which one you prefer it'd help me make up my mind.

why?

i just want to cry and cry and cry,

and the worse bit is i'm not allowed to tell anyone :'(

that your poor old granddad had to sweat to buy you.

'The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.'

This quote made me smile as my granddad is the one member of my family i could never hate, i can still remember the times when he took me to the park as a small child, how he used to hate taking me on the train in case i fell on the gap. I am still this child in his heart and hope I always am, recently I didn't see him for a week and it was heart wrenching i was so used to the normal routine of coming home to find his at the door waiting yet he was at home, it was one of the small things we take for granted.

i love you gangan ♥

it's been like this now for days,

today was pretty much a shit day thanks to my school doing what it called it's best interests my making us go in, even though the teachers didn't? however my mum did order my new boots, i've finally decided what colour i want and i'm just waiting for them to arrive    when it stops snowing i need to seriously go shopping i have bought a load of new skirts but need to buy some nice tops to go with them but none of the buses seem to be running at the moment.

the boots ♥

i was the forgotten child.

i had a speaking workshop at school today and at first i was like oh god i can't speak i have this tendency to use filler words such as like almost 50 times every sentence. Yet when I came up with a topic and wrote a script it was fine. The main scary part was standing up to the 30 people listening and delivering it my body was shaking and I could barely speak yet I managed somehow.

I remember the first time i met him, he told me everything would be ok, he would try and make it right again after all he was my doctor why would he lie, so why was i still waking up in the night screaming and why was i only skin and bones? 

my speech introduction

I also have almost finished sticking millions of photos and memories on my wall like a huge  collage I guess, the wall is almost full I just need some more photos and to buy some more magazines.

I belong to the hurricane

i am the kind of girl who needs to be heard, i am lazy and withdrawn. most of the time i want to get away from everything and curl into a ball. I have an inability to gain weight a thing that drives me crazy, and i'm fed up of the saggy skin that covers my bones. I guess i pretend everything is ok, when in fact it's getting worse I over-exaggerate things in my mind and worry about the most stupid things. I do wonder some days if i'm going slowly insane pretending i'm someone i can never be. Maybe i chose the wrong decisions, it might just be my ADHD returning i really hope not it was one thing i could not control, it takes over my life, impairs my decisions i was only a small child then yet the doctors lied to me, they told me i was fine when the stuck needles in me and wires on my skin. Since then i trust no one i am paranoid about the smallest things. I secretly hate myself and i just want to stop. 

early daays

school shut early again today as it would of been dangerous to walk home in the dark through snow and ice, i might just not bother going in tomorrow. i was happy to it meant i could finally do this essay which i probably should start now instead of typing about my day so bye.

broken soles

i'm not in a good mood, those new boots i was saying i had, well i've worn them like maybe 3/4 times and all the leathers like come off so i have random bits that aren't shiny so i'm hopefully exchanging them for a real pair as they're only like 20 pounds more i'm told. Also it snowed in the night but oh no miss sage could get in to school so we all had to then she sends us home early, anyone see the point in this madness? It's snowing quite heavily at the moment and i'm hoping it stays otherwise i'm screwed for this essay i need to complete.

snow snow snow snow

i probably should be writing my essay now but i really can't be bothered, we might not have school tomorrow if it snows please please snow it's the only thing i really want to happen, my week slowly worsens from here and i want a longer weekend to relax please?

get me out of here.

get me out of this shithole now!
this is not a school i attend it's a military camp
what with no make up and strict uniform
i never realised how much i could miss my bed
or later nights and waking up in the afternoon
please could we have another month off?
i'm not ready for all these hideous lessons yet.

There's vultures and thieves at your back

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Me and my friend vicky went up to london and just travelled around, first stop was abercrombie, to meet the lovely fit model and get a photo, god i love the smell of that shop.

sorry it's blurry i took it in a rush

Then onto another tube this time to west field to have a quick look in hollister, what we didn't expect was like an hour and a half queue to get in. Instead i went and bought hair dye i'm still not sure wether to go for it or not, and had lunch in nandos which pretty much filled me up for the whole day. One thing that ruined the day was all the tube disruptions, and the fact i couldn't find a lace body to go with my skirt, but we did meet a fittie on the train home ;)

this song takes me back to memories long forgotten i told myself to forget. 
They did me no good, and the sudden rush of them through my brain, overwhelmed me and i felt a pain that was indescribable longing for you.

happy new year

My new years resolutions i won't stick to them but i feel the need to try, you could say 2009 was a shit year for me and i don't want it to be the same this year. I need to start eating healthily unlike my usual ice cream for breakfast super noodles for lunch chocolate for dinner.

 here are some more sale bargains i got: 

half price shiny doc martens £50

new high waisted skirt from urban outfitters

the top speaks for itself urban outfitters

I'm off to try and finish this game off monopoly with my family that has spilled over from christmas and we have spent many hours playing with only one player out. Then tomorrow i'm hopefully going up to london with a friend.